| a week has gone by since i last wrote that entry and i havent talked to him since. he's off touring and im at home enjoying my long awaited vacation and its amazing. i think i missed the idea of having him around. I know if we were to ever get back together it would never be the same. Our lifestyles are completely opposites and our motives in life are conflicting to one anothers so its safe to say somethings are left alone.
ironically enough i was watching videos on youtube and i stumbled onto one of his videos and dammit, i hate how he haunts my every move. but i watched it with a grain of salt.
todays agenda:
-fixing my bike.
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| im not going to explain where ive been. its much too long to even describe. i went and saw an old friend saturday and he was amazing on stage. his singing skills were just as i remembered. i had to cut out early because now i have someone very important in my life that i kinda answer to and a precious lil dog who wont sleep until im home. On the drive home, i couldnt stop thinking about him and how crazy it was when we were dating. All the craziness we experienced together could only make a shrink believe we were completely unhealthy for each other and he knew it too which in turn was probably the reason he did what he had to do. and that was to let go of me. I remember crying in my room until i couldnt breathe, i remember the pain being so completely unbearable and i remember looking at myself in the mirror asking who am i without him? and i promised myself i was never going to get hurt like that again. but sure enough there was boy after boy, until i ran into him again. he continually thanks me for putting him in the limelight always stating im the reason hes on the stage and on that drive home on saturday night i realized..he is the reason i am who i am today. im more insecure as ever before and im more scared than i was ever before. he was my first love and as corny as it sounds the first cut is the deepest and i dont think i ever healed properly.
right now my heart just hurts as much as it did when he first broke up with me and it dawned on me that i still love him and i havent gotten over him. And thats just wrong, completely wrong of me to think or feel that because im with someone who loves me whole heartedly. and i know its completely wrong of me to think of another man and i know its completely wrong of me to even ask for him to leave the one hes with and im not going to.
i just pray for guidance cause i dont know what else to do.
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| didnt go to class today.
its my sisters 21st bday today. happy bday tashiki.
i feel sick. |
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| all i can say about last night is "BRIGHT MOMENT"
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